DIAL-A-DEATH

One day in the not so far-off future…

UPBEAT FEMALE VOICE ON PHONE: Hello. You’ve reached Dial-a-Death. How can we be of assistance to you?

YOUNG ADULT MAN: Uh, yeah… I’ve called about my grandmother.

VOICE: Your grandmother? How old is she and what is her current health state?

MAN: I’m not sure how old she is. She’s pretty bad off, though. She’s got a ton of wrinkles, and she’s pretty boney in places. She doesn’t even make me my favorite cookies anymore because she claims it hurts her back to stoop over the oven to pull them out.

VOICE: I’m sorry to hear that, sir. And how do you wish to put an end to your grandmother’s existence?

MAN: What method do you think is the most effective—and least painful?

VOICE: An overdose of morphine does the trick without any of those awful twin side effects, pain and consciousness.

MAN: Okay, let’s go with that.

VOICE: All right… (Sound of scribbling on paper) Is there anything else we can help you with today, sir?

MAN: Now that you mention it, there is. It’s about my girlfriend… She’s uh, um… you know.

VOICE: Unwanted pregnancy?

MAN: Bingo! It’s like you can read my mind.

VOICE: (Laughing) You’d be surprised how many times I’ve correctly guessed what a person will say next. So… you need a simple abortion? How far along is your girlfriend’s pregnancy?

MAN: (Clears throat nervously) I hate to say this, but she’s fairly far along. I’d say six or seven months. She didn’t want to tell me until I finally noticed she was putting on some weight around the middle.

VOICE: She’ll need our late-term, partial-birth abortion procedure then. Let’s see who we have available. Hmmm…Dr. Kevorkian has an opening on Thursday. Will that do?

MAN: Great. We’ll be able to attend the concert on Saturday night with no problems, right?

VOICE: (Chuckling) No problems at all for you at least, sir! Anything else you need from Dial-a-Death this week?

MAN: Well, I do have another slight “problem”… You see, my other girlfriend already has a baby—and she says it’s mine. I don’t know… The little thing sort of looks like me, but it’s pretty much a crying blob that can’t do anything useful. I guess you can’t really help me out—or can you?

VOICE: Actually, we can, sir. We have a separate division that works out of our office in China called, “Dump-a-Child”. They specialized in getting rid of children—especially little girls. There seems to be a marked preference toward boys there. Would you like me to send you some information about their services?

MAN: Could you? Wow, you guys really are a full-service agency! I’m impressed.

VOICE: Thank you, sir. Is that all for now then?

MAN: Uh, there is one other thing… (Lowers voice) I’ve been accused of molesting a kid down the block. Can you get rid of him for me—permanently?

VOICE: Why, sir! What kind of business do you think we’re in? We can’t just go around murdering people because they’ve accused you of a crime such as molestation. Everyone has the right to his or her day in court.

MAN: But, I… I mean… I… You can off granny and babies and the like with no problems with the judges. Why not a nine-year-old snitch?

VOICE: Well, I shouldn’t be saying this, but I do know of a private individual who may be able to help you out. I’ll send you his lawyers’ contact info. He lives in California and he’s very rich. Maybe he can offer you some pointers on that topic?

MAN: Thanks! You’re a real lifesaver, you know that?

VOICE: Lifesaver? (Chuckles softly) What a wonderful way you have with words, sir. I’ll be sure to pass your comments on to our marketing department.