Wherever you go...

God will be with you wherever you go. --from the book of Numbers

Some people have great and intricate plans for their lives. They work through these plans step by step, goal by goal, year by year. They cross off things on their to-do lists and ocassionally reward themselves for a job well done by taking a trip, buying a new car, or simply going out to eat or to see a movie. At the end of the day, week, month, year or lifetime these intelligent and well-organized folks sit down, settle back, put their feet up, smile and say to themselves, "Well done!"

Then there are the rest of us.

I do believe the "rest of us" are in the majority. We may dabble with being organized from time to time, but we quickly revert to our inherently sloppy, live-by-the-seat-of-your-pants ways. We act spontaneously and rashly, then later chide ourselves over and over again for the mistakes we've made. We berate ourselves for choosing the wrong path in life. We curse and condemn ourselves for the sheer stupidity of our choices. We loathe our lack of decision-making abilities.

Frankly, we teach ourselves to hate ourselves.

"Why did I do that?" has been my mantra for most of my life. The apostle Paul in his letters to the early church repeatedly exclaimed, "I am the worst of all sinners!" If I had been there, I'd have chimed in with, "Me too!"

Beating myself up for my "crimes" against myself became a hobby.

It's not a pasttime I recommend. Unfortunately, it's an all too common one. Being human (as opposed to Vulcan, Galifreyan or your generic little green man from Mars) I fell prey to this epidemic of self-loathing early on, perhaps even earlier than I give myself credit. To be a citizen of Planet Earth means no one--no one can ever become fully immune from this "sin sickness".

What escape is there from this dreaded disease? None. A person can't simply walk away from their troubles. A person cannot time travel (as much as I'd like to) and go back and fix mistakes and poor decisions from years past. "Emotional baggage" will be packed along with your winter sweaters or heirloom china or even your bobble-head baseball figurine collection and taken to wherever you go... No matter how far or how long or how fast you run your problems tag along for the ride.

So, I can't get away from my dysfunctional hobby of beating myself up. I feel hopeless in my helplessness, a horrible feeling for a control freak like myself. I want to take charge of the situation and fix things all by myself, but the more I try to fix things, the worse things become. It's a vicious cycle. What can I do?

Then God enters the picture.

No matter how far I've gone (all the way to the wilds of West Texas) or how much I've tried to hide from the Creator of the Universe (pretending to be someone I'm not), God has been there. Like the passage from the book of Numbers says, there is no place I have visited or will visit that God isn't already there. Even more intriguing, God recognizes me in all my false disguises.

I can't elude him in the chase. He's after me--I sense his pursuit in the drive he has given me to share my story with others. It is my hope it will help you see how God has a plan for your life as well, even when you're living by the seat of your pants.

Prayer: You are with me wherever I go, God. Thanks for all the help and protection you have afforded me thus far. Continue to watch over me and guide my steps in this journey called life. Amen.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

Another month has come and gone—and I didn’t get hardly anything I wanted to get done in March, done. For some reason, I just can’t give up sleeping, eating or taking daily showers. Those sorts of things really cut into your free time, you know—especially the sleeping.

I’m not getting any creative writing projects I’ve started finished. I’d had hoped to do so during my week off, but I just didn’t have the will to write more than a few pages on my work-in-progress. I’ll admit it, too—my heart simply isn’t into writing fiction lately. E-publishers are folding right and left it seems, taking some of my books along with them. I can’t afford to go to writing conferences and schmooze with the agents and editors from the big houses, so I can’t get a foot in the door by making a personal connection. And having a foot in the door seems to be the only way to gain the big guys’ attention these days.

Everyone with a computer seems to have written a book this past year. The submissions are flooding the slushpiles. You have to do something outrageous or illegal—or both—to get an editor’s attention. Just look at former governor Rod Blagojevich. He’s done both—and now he’s got his own radio talk show. You really wonder if becoming a criminal is where it’s at for becoming a best-selling author.

Oh, well. I can sit around and mope and groan, or I can crawl back into the saddle and get going again. Since I like horses, I’ll go the saddle route.

I think I’ll put the novel writing on hiatus until I’m unemployed at the end of May. Between trying to find another job and keeping the work I have currently, I don’t have energy to write creatively. I can write a short piece here or there (like my blogs), but the stamina to keep my concentration focused for 50,000 words or more isn’t there. I have to spend my free time sending out resumes and dealing with the rejection emails/snail mails. You think an editor’s rejection of your manuscript is bad? “Sorry, but we don’t want you to work for us,” is a lot worse, especially when your bills are due.

Lots of writers tell me this phase will pass, but I’m not so sure. It just feels like that if I give up writing fiction for a short while I’ll never return to it, and that’s tantamount to cutting out my heart. The good news is that my heart is in good hands. April may bring showers, but I’m hoping to have plenty of flowers by May when my fiancé arrives in the US. Then I’ll have another excuse for not writing—but it will be a much happier one!

LIfe goes on... God provides

I'm sorry I've let this blog sit idle for so long. I hope to do better in 2009, God willing. I'll be in touch with y'all again soon.

In the meantime, you can read my other blog at http://momsday.blogspot.com to see what all I've been up to lately.

God's blessings to you and your loved ones during these difficult times.