Watching PBS has become rather interesting in recent years… More and more I see how many of their old standbys such as the series Nova are becoming more and more propaganda outlets for the “Death-o-crats” or the Right to Die movement.
Tonight’s show (which I caught about halfway through) was a news magazine that featured different stories told by different reporters. The first segment I watched was about human stem cell cloning—and how wonderful it is.
We’re introduced to a young girl who has juvenile diabetes and must test her blood sugar levels about every two to three hours. It is hard to watch how brave this junior high girl is when it comes to poking herself in the finger and drawing blood and giving herself insulin shots. There’s no denying that it is a tough life and one fraught with many dangers, from going completely blind someday to complete kidney and heart failure. It would be nice if a cure could be found to save her—and the millions of children like her—from this horrible fate.
Enter the stem cell cloning scientist… He has all the answers. One day we will have the ability to help diabetics make insulin he declares. The answer lies in embryonic stem cells extracted from blastocysts, or that small clump of cells that forms after a human egg is fertilized (or made to think it’s been fertilized). By destroying the outer layers of the blastocyst, the stem cells can be extracted and grown in a Petri dish, encouraged to become whatever cells we want them to become.
The reporter telling the story blithely reports that the same clump of cells can also be implanted in a woman’s uterus and grow into a baby. Imagine that!
So, this is where the dividing line falls… Do you believe that blastocysts have rights? Are blastocysts “human”? Do “potential babies” have the same right as already grown human beings?
You can guess where the PBS reporter’s sympathies lie. It’s tough not to agree with her when shown pictures of sick children who need to take insulin daily or need bone marrow transfusions. Of course no photos of discarded babies were shown to give the story any balance. The only thing shown was the evil Congress and the president who voted to ban human cloning altogether.
Bad, bad Congress! Don’t you want little girls with diabetes to live healthy lives?
The next segment on the show was fascinating on its own merits, and it really struck me as odd. How was it odd? Well, it was all about a “resurrection” of sorts… It seems that the North American tree frog can literally “freeze” itself into a block of ice so it can hibernate through the winter and “resurrect” itself in the spring in time for the mating season.
What a wonderful gift these little brown amphibians display! They can stop their breathing, their heart from beating and their body from eliminating wastes for months while the world is frozen. Their bodies make some kind of sugary “anti-freeze” solution so their organs shrink and are encased in a protective coating while they freeze solid. The little things in hibernation look just like hard, brown rocks. What a miracle they are!
What do frozen frogs, which rise from the dead each spring, teach us simple human beings about the rights of blastocysts? If anything, the tree frog teaches us that we should trust God—He knows how to take care of us. He can take care of us during the “frost” of life, and He can take care of us even if we have to test our blood sugar numerous times a day.
How can we pronounce anything He has created—frogs, blastocysts, little girls—not precious and worthy of life?
How can we destroy any of them?
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Why this blog isn’t called Onward Christian Soldiers…
I’ve been writing this blog off and on for about a half month now and no one has left a comment online—yet. It’s fairly simple: You click on the “comment” link at the end of each day’s blog and you sign in and leave your message. You need to register first with Blogger.com but it’s very easy—you just need a name and a password. That way, no one else can leave a comment and attach your name to it. You approve of what you say and when you say it.
If you want to email me a comment instead, please email me at cynthianna @ hotmail.com (without the spaces). Please type “Christians Crawling” (or something along those lines) in the subject line so I don’t accidentally delete your message. I receive tons of spam email daily, you see. I go through my email box and delete lots of messages without reading them first since I assume they’re junk mail if the person sending it or the subject line doesn’t ring a bell. It saves time.
But I’d love to hear from you. Maybe you’d like to make a “guest appearance” here some day? Run your piece by me and I’ll give it every consideration.
The reasons this blog isn’t called Onward Christian Soldiers are:
1) It’s the title of a wonderful old Christian hymn and I wouldn’t want to confuse people, and
2) It doesn’t accurately describe the way modern day Christians operate.
Christians today don’t “march” as in “Onward Christian Soldiers, marching as to war”. Christians today don’t possess that kind of zeal, that intestinal fortitude to band together to help spread the Gospel throughout the world—or even their suburban neighborhood—like their ancestors did.
Christians today try hard to be “politically correct.” They try not to “insult” people by telling them that Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life and the only way to the Father. Oh, no. We can’t say that. It wouldn’t be very nice. So Christians today bow to public pressure and worry what the neighbors will think if they’re caught wearing a cross or seen outside of a church building.
In short, Christians in the 21st century act like sell-outs.
But the message of Acts 1:8 still persists: “Go tell all nations…”
So, some Christians “crawl” out of their comfortable suburban existence (their “comfort zones”) and attempt to share the Good News with others on occasion. But as soon as things get “scary” or “non-PC” they shut down and hem and haw.
“I’d love to share the Gospel with those who haven’t heard it,” they cry. “But what will people think of me? Shouldn’t we tone it down a bit? Just tell them that ‘God is love’ and welcome them to a potluck dinner?”
Sigh… I guess it’s better than nothing. Still, what would Jesus think of Christians today? Would He appreciate our cowardice? Would he believe that we truly love Him?
At least the apostle Peter had the guts to slice off a guard’s ear in Gethsemane when he thought his Lord’s life was threatened… But I suspect most Christians today can relate better to Peter when he denied Christ three times before the rooster crowed.
P.S.
Here’s a link to some Christians who aren’t afraid to crawl out of their comfort zones:
Sudan Surprise: Christians Help Persecuted Muslims
Christians are reaching out to bring help to their former persecutors.
http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/CWN/040805darfur.asp
If you want to email me a comment instead, please email me at cynthianna @ hotmail.com (without the spaces). Please type “Christians Crawling” (or something along those lines) in the subject line so I don’t accidentally delete your message. I receive tons of spam email daily, you see. I go through my email box and delete lots of messages without reading them first since I assume they’re junk mail if the person sending it or the subject line doesn’t ring a bell. It saves time.
But I’d love to hear from you. Maybe you’d like to make a “guest appearance” here some day? Run your piece by me and I’ll give it every consideration.
The reasons this blog isn’t called Onward Christian Soldiers are:
1) It’s the title of a wonderful old Christian hymn and I wouldn’t want to confuse people, and
2) It doesn’t accurately describe the way modern day Christians operate.
Christians today don’t “march” as in “Onward Christian Soldiers, marching as to war”. Christians today don’t possess that kind of zeal, that intestinal fortitude to band together to help spread the Gospel throughout the world—or even their suburban neighborhood—like their ancestors did.
Christians today try hard to be “politically correct.” They try not to “insult” people by telling them that Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life and the only way to the Father. Oh, no. We can’t say that. It wouldn’t be very nice. So Christians today bow to public pressure and worry what the neighbors will think if they’re caught wearing a cross or seen outside of a church building.
In short, Christians in the 21st century act like sell-outs.
But the message of Acts 1:8 still persists: “Go tell all nations…”
So, some Christians “crawl” out of their comfortable suburban existence (their “comfort zones”) and attempt to share the Good News with others on occasion. But as soon as things get “scary” or “non-PC” they shut down and hem and haw.
“I’d love to share the Gospel with those who haven’t heard it,” they cry. “But what will people think of me? Shouldn’t we tone it down a bit? Just tell them that ‘God is love’ and welcome them to a potluck dinner?”
Sigh… I guess it’s better than nothing. Still, what would Jesus think of Christians today? Would He appreciate our cowardice? Would he believe that we truly love Him?
At least the apostle Peter had the guts to slice off a guard’s ear in Gethsemane when he thought his Lord’s life was threatened… But I suspect most Christians today can relate better to Peter when he denied Christ three times before the rooster crowed.
P.S.
Here’s a link to some Christians who aren’t afraid to crawl out of their comfort zones:
Sudan Surprise: Christians Help Persecuted Muslims
Christians are reaching out to bring help to their former persecutors.
http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/CWN/040805darfur.asp
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Just a Nagging Thought…
My recent trip to an Islamic Center put a few nagging thoughts into my head. (See my blog entry for April 6.)
You know how some people are always arguing over which is the “true religion” or the supreme belief system in the world? Well, what if everybody decided to hold a contest—a peaceable contest, sort of like the Olympics—where believers of all faiths competed to show who practiced the “true religion”.
What kind of “contests” would be held? Let’s look at the Five Pillars of Islam: faith, prayer, fasting, tithing, and pilgrimage. Surely followers of the “true religion” would demonstrate these traits in abundance, wouldn’t they?
How about a contest called “Who really prays?” Monitors would stand outside of sanctuaries and other religious gathering places and count how many people show up and actually go through the motions of praying… It would be harder to get a tally of those who pray at home or in secret, but possibly a self-survey of private prayer time could be given to believers who practice this type of prayer life.
Fasting? Easy enough—let’s put all the believers of a particular religion on the scales and see which group averages out as the lightest in weight. “To fast” means not to eat, you know.
A contest idea that’s really intriguing is “Which religion is the most charitable?” We could compare donations in cash, time and abilities to help others less fortunate—particularly those outside that particular belief system. The recipients of the charity could then rate how generous, kind and non-demanding the believers are as they share of their wealth.
Most religions practice so form of “pilgrimage” or traveling to a certain destination in order to focus on things of a spiritual nature and leave worldly cares behind. The Muslim travels to Mecca, the Catholic to the see the Pope, the Protestant to a spiritual retreat in the woods, the Jew to Jerusalem, the Buddhist to meditate on a mountaintop, the Mormon to the temple in Salt Lake City, the Neo-Pagan to Stonehenge, etc. A quick headcount of which religion has the most active pilgrims would determine the “winner”.
Now faith is a tricky thing to compare and measure… If we measured faith by attendance at worship services, this would favor the major religions and those sects who make attendance mandatory. If faith is denoted by those who verbally confess their faith and help spread its message, this would penalize those religions that tend to be on the more personal, private side. Possibly a well-written survey could rank a believer’s “commitment” to his or her particular faith and give a numerical rating? Sort of an “A.C.T.” number for religious folks...
So, if the world held a contest like this tomorrow, do you honestly think Christians would “win”?
And what would be the “prize”?
You know how some people are always arguing over which is the “true religion” or the supreme belief system in the world? Well, what if everybody decided to hold a contest—a peaceable contest, sort of like the Olympics—where believers of all faiths competed to show who practiced the “true religion”.
What kind of “contests” would be held? Let’s look at the Five Pillars of Islam: faith, prayer, fasting, tithing, and pilgrimage. Surely followers of the “true religion” would demonstrate these traits in abundance, wouldn’t they?
How about a contest called “Who really prays?” Monitors would stand outside of sanctuaries and other religious gathering places and count how many people show up and actually go through the motions of praying… It would be harder to get a tally of those who pray at home or in secret, but possibly a self-survey of private prayer time could be given to believers who practice this type of prayer life.
Fasting? Easy enough—let’s put all the believers of a particular religion on the scales and see which group averages out as the lightest in weight. “To fast” means not to eat, you know.
A contest idea that’s really intriguing is “Which religion is the most charitable?” We could compare donations in cash, time and abilities to help others less fortunate—particularly those outside that particular belief system. The recipients of the charity could then rate how generous, kind and non-demanding the believers are as they share of their wealth.
Most religions practice so form of “pilgrimage” or traveling to a certain destination in order to focus on things of a spiritual nature and leave worldly cares behind. The Muslim travels to Mecca, the Catholic to the see the Pope, the Protestant to a spiritual retreat in the woods, the Jew to Jerusalem, the Buddhist to meditate on a mountaintop, the Mormon to the temple in Salt Lake City, the Neo-Pagan to Stonehenge, etc. A quick headcount of which religion has the most active pilgrims would determine the “winner”.
Now faith is a tricky thing to compare and measure… If we measured faith by attendance at worship services, this would favor the major religions and those sects who make attendance mandatory. If faith is denoted by those who verbally confess their faith and help spread its message, this would penalize those religions that tend to be on the more personal, private side. Possibly a well-written survey could rank a believer’s “commitment” to his or her particular faith and give a numerical rating? Sort of an “A.C.T.” number for religious folks...
So, if the world held a contest like this tomorrow, do you honestly think Christians would “win”?
And what would be the “prize”?
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
A Visit to an Islamic Center
This past Sunday evening I had the chance to tour an Islamic Center in south city area of St. Louis.
For those who aren’t familiar with St. Louis this might sound unusual, but it isn’t. There are a lot of Bosnians here—about 40,000 have settled here since the 1990s. Many Bosnians are Muslim or at least claim to be. Like Americans, most Bosnians claim that they belong to the Roman Catholic, Serbian Orthodox or Muslim religion, but they’ve never really practiced their faith either today or during the years of Communist rule in Yugoslavia.
Once Yugoslavia disintegrated, Bosnia became the “Killing Fields” of the Balkans. Ancient ethnic rivalries heated up and exploded into what can only be termed a genocidal bloodbath. Many Bosnians were forced to flee their homes at a moment’s notice with nothing but the clothes on their backs. Many witnessed cold-blooded massacres of friends and family members simply because they were “Muslim”. Many witnessed the rape of loved ones at the hands of Serbs, who professed to be “Christian”.
Can you imagine how deeply these tragedies scarred their souls? Can you see the need for the Bosnian people to heal spiritually as well as emotionally and materially?
So, this is where Christian missions to the Bosnian community in St. Louis fit into the picture. One way to better serve this community is to understand its culture and religion, hence our visit to the Islamic Center.
Our tour guide was an Inman’s wife, a most charming lady originally from Egypt. Like any “Pastor’s wife” she showed us around the facilities, explained their customs and traditions and answered our questions. The center’s building used to be a small bank branch. They’ve done some renovations, mostly tearing out walls and installing a neat “washroom” of sorts where congregants can wash their face, hands and feet before prayer time.
Muslims are suppose to pray five times a day at specific times, but the Inman’s wife confessed that many in the Bosnian Muslim community aren’t quite that devout. They show up for services at the center or one of the bigger mosques in the area about once or twice a year. Mostly they like to come to the mosque for Ramadan, the month long holiday of fasting during the day and then feasting at night. (Sound sort of like “Christmas and Easter only” Christians, don’t they?)
Many in the Bosnian community enjoy the festivals and celebrating Muslim holidays, but they aren’t particularly concerned with more regular adherence to their faith and its “Five Pillars”: the declaration of faith, prayer, fasting, Zakah or tithing, and the Hajj or pilgrimage to Mecca. And, interestingly enough, most Muslims would say that “Allah” is the same “God” worshipped by Christians and Jews.
This is where Christians can reach out and most help the Bosnian refugees, I believe. For Allah is not a loving God as Christians with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ know Him. The Apostle John tells us “God is love”, but the same isn’t true for Allah. Allah is a bit more staid and not quite as generous a deity. While the Islamic attributes of prayer and charity are quite admirable, like most religions they are considered requirements in order to make “Brownie points” with the Big Scary Man Upstairs. In other words, if you don’t faithfully practice the Five Pillars of Islam, Allah might not give you a passing grade for this life… And, when you die, if you happen to be on Allah’s bad side, you might not be allowed into paradise or heaven.
This one fact supposedly was behind the 9/11 hijackers’ motivation for their suicide plane crashes. They were taught that they would instantly go to paradise if they rid the world of non-Muslims. So, why wouldn’t they do it? A few of the hijackers reportedly had bad addictions to pornography and other moral failings, so without making some big “Brownie points” how else would these young men have impressed Allah?
This fear of Allah—and what he can do to their eternal souls—may be holding back many Bosnians and others from healing spiritually. It’s easier on the psyche just to say, “God is Allah is God, and we’re in America now and safe, and we don’t need to attend mosque and be reminded that we aren’t perfect enough to get into paradise.” So, they simply don’t take up any spiritual philosophy. They stay rooted in ignorance and fear. They unconsciously reason that no matter what they’d do, they can never make enough “Brownie points” at this junction in the game. And without a passing grade, Allah will judge them harshly, reviving traumatic memories of their people’s recent history.
But we as Christians know that God so loved the world that He sent his only begotten Son to die for us for the remission of our sins so that we may have eternal life in Him. (John 3:16) What a relief to know that we don’t ever have to practice certain rituals five times a day in order to make “Brownie points” with the Man Upstairs! We love God because He first loved us, and He continually demonstrates His love by grace through faith.
Pray that the Holy Spirit will come upon all who are spiritually wounded by unspeakable atrocities such as the Bosnian community witnessed, giving them true, everlasting love and peace through faith in Christ our Lord.
For those who aren’t familiar with St. Louis this might sound unusual, but it isn’t. There are a lot of Bosnians here—about 40,000 have settled here since the 1990s. Many Bosnians are Muslim or at least claim to be. Like Americans, most Bosnians claim that they belong to the Roman Catholic, Serbian Orthodox or Muslim religion, but they’ve never really practiced their faith either today or during the years of Communist rule in Yugoslavia.
Once Yugoslavia disintegrated, Bosnia became the “Killing Fields” of the Balkans. Ancient ethnic rivalries heated up and exploded into what can only be termed a genocidal bloodbath. Many Bosnians were forced to flee their homes at a moment’s notice with nothing but the clothes on their backs. Many witnessed cold-blooded massacres of friends and family members simply because they were “Muslim”. Many witnessed the rape of loved ones at the hands of Serbs, who professed to be “Christian”.
Can you imagine how deeply these tragedies scarred their souls? Can you see the need for the Bosnian people to heal spiritually as well as emotionally and materially?
So, this is where Christian missions to the Bosnian community in St. Louis fit into the picture. One way to better serve this community is to understand its culture and religion, hence our visit to the Islamic Center.
Our tour guide was an Inman’s wife, a most charming lady originally from Egypt. Like any “Pastor’s wife” she showed us around the facilities, explained their customs and traditions and answered our questions. The center’s building used to be a small bank branch. They’ve done some renovations, mostly tearing out walls and installing a neat “washroom” of sorts where congregants can wash their face, hands and feet before prayer time.
Muslims are suppose to pray five times a day at specific times, but the Inman’s wife confessed that many in the Bosnian Muslim community aren’t quite that devout. They show up for services at the center or one of the bigger mosques in the area about once or twice a year. Mostly they like to come to the mosque for Ramadan, the month long holiday of fasting during the day and then feasting at night. (Sound sort of like “Christmas and Easter only” Christians, don’t they?)
Many in the Bosnian community enjoy the festivals and celebrating Muslim holidays, but they aren’t particularly concerned with more regular adherence to their faith and its “Five Pillars”: the declaration of faith, prayer, fasting, Zakah or tithing, and the Hajj or pilgrimage to Mecca. And, interestingly enough, most Muslims would say that “Allah” is the same “God” worshipped by Christians and Jews.
This is where Christians can reach out and most help the Bosnian refugees, I believe. For Allah is not a loving God as Christians with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ know Him. The Apostle John tells us “God is love”, but the same isn’t true for Allah. Allah is a bit more staid and not quite as generous a deity. While the Islamic attributes of prayer and charity are quite admirable, like most religions they are considered requirements in order to make “Brownie points” with the Big Scary Man Upstairs. In other words, if you don’t faithfully practice the Five Pillars of Islam, Allah might not give you a passing grade for this life… And, when you die, if you happen to be on Allah’s bad side, you might not be allowed into paradise or heaven.
This one fact supposedly was behind the 9/11 hijackers’ motivation for their suicide plane crashes. They were taught that they would instantly go to paradise if they rid the world of non-Muslims. So, why wouldn’t they do it? A few of the hijackers reportedly had bad addictions to pornography and other moral failings, so without making some big “Brownie points” how else would these young men have impressed Allah?
This fear of Allah—and what he can do to their eternal souls—may be holding back many Bosnians and others from healing spiritually. It’s easier on the psyche just to say, “God is Allah is God, and we’re in America now and safe, and we don’t need to attend mosque and be reminded that we aren’t perfect enough to get into paradise.” So, they simply don’t take up any spiritual philosophy. They stay rooted in ignorance and fear. They unconsciously reason that no matter what they’d do, they can never make enough “Brownie points” at this junction in the game. And without a passing grade, Allah will judge them harshly, reviving traumatic memories of their people’s recent history.
But we as Christians know that God so loved the world that He sent his only begotten Son to die for us for the remission of our sins so that we may have eternal life in Him. (John 3:16) What a relief to know that we don’t ever have to practice certain rituals five times a day in order to make “Brownie points” with the Man Upstairs! We love God because He first loved us, and He continually demonstrates His love by grace through faith.
Pray that the Holy Spirit will come upon all who are spiritually wounded by unspeakable atrocities such as the Bosnian community witnessed, giving them true, everlasting love and peace through faith in Christ our Lord.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
John Paul and Terri Schiavo: Lessons in Life While Dying
Here's a link for a short article on Terri's legacy:
http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/CWN/040105schiavo.asp
With the passing of Pope John Paul II this past week, it seems that the forces of evil are on the ascendancy...
After all, two innocent people (at least innocent of any heinous crimes as our society would classify them) have died in the public's eye and the "deathlovers" seem pretty satisfied with the outcome.
John Paul was a vocal opponent of abortion and euthanasia. He stood tall and held his ground on these issues, even though many in America didn't like his stance. To quote some talk show guest I heard on the radio in passing this morning: "You may not have agreed with the Pope, but you respected him because you knew where he stood."
And he stood for Christ.
Terri's sad suffering and death and John Paul's gracious and gradual dying help illustrate Christ's own innocent suffering and death for the sins of the world. Possibly, these two recent events will open doors with friends and loved ones to share the Gospel?
Maybe that's why the Lord called them both home so soon?
http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/CWN/040105schiavo.asp
With the passing of Pope John Paul II this past week, it seems that the forces of evil are on the ascendancy...
After all, two innocent people (at least innocent of any heinous crimes as our society would classify them) have died in the public's eye and the "deathlovers" seem pretty satisfied with the outcome.
John Paul was a vocal opponent of abortion and euthanasia. He stood tall and held his ground on these issues, even though many in America didn't like his stance. To quote some talk show guest I heard on the radio in passing this morning: "You may not have agreed with the Pope, but you respected him because you knew where he stood."
And he stood for Christ.
Terri's sad suffering and death and John Paul's gracious and gradual dying help illustrate Christ's own innocent suffering and death for the sins of the world. Possibly, these two recent events will open doors with friends and loved ones to share the Gospel?
Maybe that's why the Lord called them both home so soon?
Friday, April 01, 2005
DIAL-A-DEATH
One day in the not so far-off future…
UPBEAT FEMALE VOICE ON PHONE: Hello. You’ve reached Dial-a-Death. How can we be of assistance to you?
YOUNG ADULT MAN: Uh, yeah… I’ve called about my grandmother.
VOICE: Your grandmother? How old is she and what is her current health state?
MAN: I’m not sure how old she is. She’s pretty bad off, though. She’s got a ton of wrinkles, and she’s pretty boney in places. She doesn’t even make me my favorite cookies anymore because she claims it hurts her back to stoop over the oven to pull them out.
VOICE: I’m sorry to hear that, sir. And how do you wish to put an end to your grandmother’s existence?
MAN: What method do you think is the most effective—and least painful?
VOICE: An overdose of morphine does the trick without any of those awful twin side effects, pain and consciousness.
MAN: Okay, let’s go with that.
VOICE: All right… (Sound of scribbling on paper) Is there anything else we can help you with today, sir?
MAN: Now that you mention it, there is. It’s about my girlfriend… She’s uh, um… you know.
VOICE: Unwanted pregnancy?
MAN: Bingo! It’s like you can read my mind.
VOICE: (Laughing) You’d be surprised how many times I’ve correctly guessed what a person will say next. So… you need a simple abortion? How far along is your girlfriend’s pregnancy?
MAN: (Clears throat nervously) I hate to say this, but she’s fairly far along. I’d say six or seven months. She didn’t want to tell me until I finally noticed she was putting on some weight around the middle.
VOICE: She’ll need our late-term, partial-birth abortion procedure then. Let’s see who we have available. Hmmm…Dr. Kevorkian has an opening on Thursday. Will that do?
MAN: Great. We’ll be able to attend the concert on Saturday night with no problems, right?
VOICE: (Chuckling) No problems at all for you at least, sir! Anything else you need from Dial-a-Death this week?
MAN: Well, I do have another slight “problem”… You see, my other girlfriend already has a baby—and she says it’s mine. I don’t know… The little thing sort of looks like me, but it’s pretty much a crying blob that can’t do anything useful. I guess you can’t really help me out—or can you?
VOICE: Actually, we can, sir. We have a separate division that works out of our office in China called, “Dump-a-Child”. They specialized in getting rid of children—especially little girls. There seems to be a marked preference toward boys there. Would you like me to send you some information about their services?
MAN: Could you? Wow, you guys really are a full-service agency! I’m impressed.
VOICE: Thank you, sir. Is that all for now then?
MAN: Uh, there is one other thing… (Lowers voice) I’ve been accused of molesting a kid down the block. Can you get rid of him for me—permanently?
VOICE: Why, sir! What kind of business do you think we’re in? We can’t just go around murdering people because they’ve accused you of a crime such as molestation. Everyone has the right to his or her day in court.
MAN: But, I… I mean… I… You can off granny and babies and the like with no problems with the judges. Why not a nine-year-old snitch?
VOICE: Well, I shouldn’t be saying this, but I do know of a private individual who may be able to help you out. I’ll send you his lawyers’ contact info. He lives in California and he’s very rich. Maybe he can offer you some pointers on that topic?
MAN: Thanks! You’re a real lifesaver, you know that?
VOICE: Lifesaver? (Chuckles softly) What a wonderful way you have with words, sir. I’ll be sure to pass your comments on to our marketing department.
UPBEAT FEMALE VOICE ON PHONE: Hello. You’ve reached Dial-a-Death. How can we be of assistance to you?
YOUNG ADULT MAN: Uh, yeah… I’ve called about my grandmother.
VOICE: Your grandmother? How old is she and what is her current health state?
MAN: I’m not sure how old she is. She’s pretty bad off, though. She’s got a ton of wrinkles, and she’s pretty boney in places. She doesn’t even make me my favorite cookies anymore because she claims it hurts her back to stoop over the oven to pull them out.
VOICE: I’m sorry to hear that, sir. And how do you wish to put an end to your grandmother’s existence?
MAN: What method do you think is the most effective—and least painful?
VOICE: An overdose of morphine does the trick without any of those awful twin side effects, pain and consciousness.
MAN: Okay, let’s go with that.
VOICE: All right… (Sound of scribbling on paper) Is there anything else we can help you with today, sir?
MAN: Now that you mention it, there is. It’s about my girlfriend… She’s uh, um… you know.
VOICE: Unwanted pregnancy?
MAN: Bingo! It’s like you can read my mind.
VOICE: (Laughing) You’d be surprised how many times I’ve correctly guessed what a person will say next. So… you need a simple abortion? How far along is your girlfriend’s pregnancy?
MAN: (Clears throat nervously) I hate to say this, but she’s fairly far along. I’d say six or seven months. She didn’t want to tell me until I finally noticed she was putting on some weight around the middle.
VOICE: She’ll need our late-term, partial-birth abortion procedure then. Let’s see who we have available. Hmmm…Dr. Kevorkian has an opening on Thursday. Will that do?
MAN: Great. We’ll be able to attend the concert on Saturday night with no problems, right?
VOICE: (Chuckling) No problems at all for you at least, sir! Anything else you need from Dial-a-Death this week?
MAN: Well, I do have another slight “problem”… You see, my other girlfriend already has a baby—and she says it’s mine. I don’t know… The little thing sort of looks like me, but it’s pretty much a crying blob that can’t do anything useful. I guess you can’t really help me out—or can you?
VOICE: Actually, we can, sir. We have a separate division that works out of our office in China called, “Dump-a-Child”. They specialized in getting rid of children—especially little girls. There seems to be a marked preference toward boys there. Would you like me to send you some information about their services?
MAN: Could you? Wow, you guys really are a full-service agency! I’m impressed.
VOICE: Thank you, sir. Is that all for now then?
MAN: Uh, there is one other thing… (Lowers voice) I’ve been accused of molesting a kid down the block. Can you get rid of him for me—permanently?
VOICE: Why, sir! What kind of business do you think we’re in? We can’t just go around murdering people because they’ve accused you of a crime such as molestation. Everyone has the right to his or her day in court.
MAN: But, I… I mean… I… You can off granny and babies and the like with no problems with the judges. Why not a nine-year-old snitch?
VOICE: Well, I shouldn’t be saying this, but I do know of a private individual who may be able to help you out. I’ll send you his lawyers’ contact info. He lives in California and he’s very rich. Maybe he can offer you some pointers on that topic?
MAN: Thanks! You’re a real lifesaver, you know that?
VOICE: Lifesaver? (Chuckles softly) What a wonderful way you have with words, sir. I’ll be sure to pass your comments on to our marketing department.
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